Anxiety, You and Me: Tips for Taming It and Helping Your Anxious Child

What is anxiety?

Basically, everyone experiences anxiety and has fears. And that's normal (and healthy), because anxiety is a feeling that helps us protect ourselves from danger. A lion approaching us or a fire breaking out in our home prompts us to move and react to avoid real danger. For children, we can compare it to a smoke detector that rings when there is smoke, or an alarm that goes off to tell us to be vigilant and protect ourselves from the source of danger.

However, anxiety can also harm us and prevent us from enjoying life and beautiful moments, because our imagination can play tricks on us by creating absurd scenarios that are unlikely to happen (monsters under the bed or a wolf entering the house) or our assessment of the danger is completely exaggerated. For example, the chances of me being struck by lightning or my plane crashing are slim, but our feeling of worry is so high that we become almost certain that it will happen!

On the other hand, anxiety usually doesn't just appear out of nowhere. It can be due, for example, to heredity (even if anxiety does not manifest itself in the same way for all members of the same family) or to a significant and traumatic event experienced later. It can also be an observation or something the child heard from an adult that was meaningful to them. Let's not forget that we are role models for our young people and they learn a lot by imitating us!

But what else?

Despite themselves, fears and worries can result in a feeling of low self-confidence and self-depreciation in both children and adults, because they feel vulnerable, isolated, and unable to react appropriately. Unfortunately, too, irrational fears and panics prevent them from fully enjoying life and having experiences that could be enriching and pleasantly memorable.

Why? Because the first reflex of an anxious person will be to avoid experiencing what makes them uncomfortable. They will therefore do everything in their power to escape new situations (because novelty can be greatly anxiety-provoking for anxious children), unforeseen events, and things they cannot control as they would like. Moreover, as soon as they detect a threat, all their attention will be focused on this stress instead of on the task at hand or the activity they are experiencing. Avoidance indeed reduces stress quickly (but temporarily!). Here are some examples of avoidance situations in children:

• Refusing to sleep over at a friend's house
• Not wanting to go on an outing that could be enjoyable
• Avoiding going to a place where there is an animal they fear
• Not wanting to go to the park because there might be spiders there
• Opposing enrollment in a class or participation in a sport because they are afraid of...
• Refusing to go to class on days of oral presentations or dictations

All these situations that we avoid calm and relieve us in the short term, because the level of unreasonable worry decreases, but they maintain anxiety in the long term. Unfortunately, by avoiding a situation, we perpetuate fear and our erroneous perceptions. Many can then experience social isolation and have difficulty functioning well in everyday life.

The trap to avoid, in my opinion, is never exposing ourselves to our challenges and fears. This could lead to a vicious cycle that, if experienced repeatedly, will become even more serious. Here are two examples that come to mind:

• Rosalie was not afraid of dogs until she heard her aunt say that they could be aggressive. Since then, she has been afraid to go play in the park or walk down the street, in case she meets a dog. If this cycle is not broken, Rosalie might end up not wanting to leave her house without her parents.
• Simon is traveling with his parents. He is extremely happy, until he hears his father talk about his fear of a plane crash, of anxiety at the idea of being confined for long hours. Simon's internal alarm system has just been triggered and what used to rhyme with pleasure and joy now rhymes with danger and disaster.

So, quickly, a distrust can take root in the child.

What are the signs?

• Agitation
• Sleep problems
• Nightmares
• Fear of losing control
• Fear of going crazy
• Irritability
• Crying
• Feeling misunderstood
• Physical symptoms: headaches or stomach aches, nausea, vomiting, palpitations, sweating, chest pain, skin irritation
• Hyperventilation
• Clinging to a parent
• Self-depreciation

As I also specified above, the best way to maintain this anxiety is to avoid the source of "danger".

So, what are the solutions?

Psychologists are best trained to equip parents and their children. I therefore encourage you to consult them to get the right information and to fill your toolbox with tips and tools to intervene effectively according to your child's profile.

What if we took the time to chat with our child?

• What's the worst thing that could happen to you?
• What are the chances of that happening?
• What would happen if it did happen?
• Are you able to react appropriately if that happens?
• Could it be that you're exaggerating the situation a bit?

If it's difficult for your child to express how they feel, they can also draw it.

Relaxation techniques

There are several ways to relax using breathing techniques and relaxation of each part of the body and muscles (by contracting them very hard and releasing them, for example). You can find some online or guide your child yourself by giving them precise instructions. This will also allow them to learn about all parts of their body. Yoga can also help your child to breathe better and to relax before a worrying event.

Expose them, a little, slowly, but surely...

To reduce excessive fear and distrust of a situation, it is advisable to expose the person to face what they fear gently, quietly, and gradually. Start with short periods and increase the exposure time when you feel your child is managing their fears better. Above all, praise them! With patience, your child will gain self-confidence. Their distrust may not completely dissipate, but they will be able to better manage moments when anxiety arises, because they will know how to overcome it and their reason will take over their imagination. They will thus gain self-confidence at the same time.

A well-established routine

At home, routine and consistency in interventions remain valuable tools for supervising more insecure children. That said, flexibility is necessary to show children that unexpected events can happen, but if the basis of the established routine remains largely the same, the child will feel safe and will not tend to have tantrums. The same goes for the intervention of parents and caregivers around them. It is reassuring for a child to be clearly informed of the consequences of inappropriate and appropriate behaviors.

What should we avoid?

• Delaying the application of a consequence for bad behavior
• Drastically exposing the child to what frightens them (e.g., taking them on the biggest ride at La Ronde, when they express fears about trying even one)
• Ignoring their physical symptoms, because they are genuinely felt
• Overprotecting the child by avoiding anxiety-provoking elements
• Expressing exasperation and anger when the child is scared
• Minimizing the fears the child shares

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