“I want to quit!”: Understanding and supporting your child when they are discouraged

"I don't want to go anymore!" This phrase, which all parents have heard at one time or another, often raises more questions than it answers. Between the desire to see your child persevere and the fear of forcing them unnecessarily, how can you find the right balance? The answer often lies in a more detailed understanding of what is behind this desire to stop. Beyond Appearances: Decoding the Message A child's discouragement with their activity is not always as simple as it seems. When our child wants to stop practicing, we always ask ourselves as parents whether we should listen to their desire or encourage them to continue. As the pedagogue Philippe Meirieu points out, any activity, even one chosen with enthusiasm, can become a "sad obligation" if it is caught in "the grip of a relentless schedule". Before even trying to understand the specific difficulties, it is essential to question the child's overall pace of life. Does he still have time to breathe, to play freely, to do nothing sometimes? The desire to stop can also mask a form of request for help. Faced with a difficulty that seems insurmountable, the child may prefer to give up everything rather than admit his fears or confusion. Our role as adults is then to accompany, listen and understand to help him overcome these obstacles. Situations that speak: recognizing the different scenarios The challenge of new learning The story of Julien, 9 years old, perfectly illustrates a classic pattern. Having been playing the piano for two years, he says he wants to stop everything every time he tackles a new piece, finding the activity "boring". However, once the first few weeks of difficulties have passed, his enthusiasm invariably returns. It is not the piano that Julien does not like, it is the confrontation with a new challenge, the moment when he must leave his comfort zone. As Bernard Charlot, a teacher and researcher in educational sciences, points out, learning does not rely solely on the child's will. It requires a deep motivation that arises when the child understands why he is learning and what it brings him. For Julien, it is by rediscovering the pleasure of playing pieces that he has mastered and by visualizing what he will be able to do once he has learned the new piece that he manages to overcome his initial discouragement. The impact of the environment Sarah, 11, presents a different case. Passionate about gymnastics since the beginning, she suddenly multiplies the excuses for not going. The dialogue between her parents and her reveals that her group has changed and that she feels rejected. The problem is therefore not the activity itself, but the social context in which it takes place. This situation reminds us of the importance of considering all aspects of the activity, beyond the simple practice. The invisible overload The case of Lucas, 8, highlights another crucial aspect. His discouragement about his Wednesday karate class actually hides a schedule that is too busy: not only does he have to go to school, he is at daycare until 5:30 p.m., but in addition to his own training, he has to accompany his little brothers to their hockey practice. It is not the sport that is the problem, but the lack of freedom in his schedule. The Many Faces of Discouragement Discouragement can take many forms, each requiring a different approach. Here are the main causes and their manifestations: - A temporary indisposition: for example, a child tired after a busy week who no longer wants to go to his Saturday morning swimming lesson - A misunderstanding of the instructions: like a young soccer player who wants to stop because he does not understand the game strategies explained by his coach - A situational blockage: such as a child who wants to give up the violin after having failed several times at a difficult technical passage These difficulties can manifest themselves by: - Physical signs: fatigue, stomach aches, sleep disorders - Emotional reactions: irritability, anxiety, withdrawal - Behavioral changes: making excuses, opposition, general disinterest The art of dialogue: creating a space for exchange The timing and manner of approaching the subject are crucial. Rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, choose a calm moment, away from tensions. Julien's mother shows us the importance of long-term observation: by identifying the pattern of discouragement linked to new songs, she can now better support her son in these transition phases. Some constructive questions to explore: - “What do you still like about this activity?” - “What is the most difficult moment for you?” - “How could we make this more enjoyable?” Solutions adapted to each situation Sarah's example in gymnastics illustrates the importance of a personalized approach. Her parents worked with the coach to facilitate her integration, also organizing social times outside of training, by inviting some of their daughter's colleagues to the house. For Lucas, the solution came from a reorganization of his schedule, finding a solution so that he no longer had to accompany his brothers to their practices. When faced with a technical difficulty, as in Julien's case, several strategies can be implemented: - Break down learning into more accessible steps - Value progress, even minimal - Recall past successes - Maintain the link with the initial pleasure When change becomes necessary Redirect rather than abandon The case of Emma, 12 years old, a passionate violinist since she was 6, shows us that sometimes you have to know how to redirect rather than insist. Faced with major anxiety linked to excessive pressure from her teacher for concerts and competitions, changing teachers, rather than giving up the instrument, proved to be the right solution. Thus Emma rediscovered the pleasure of playing without pressure. Accepting surrender when necessary Sometimes an activity no longer meets a child's needs or aspirations. Thomas, 10, played hockey for three years before expressing his desire to stop. Despite encouragement and various attempts at adaptation, his parents eventually understood that it was not just a phase of discouragement: their son simply did not like the sport anymore and wanted to explore other activities. Here are some signs that may indicate it is time to let your child stop: - The child expresses constant disinterest over several months, beyond the usual phases of discouragement - Attempts at adaptation (change of schedule, teacher, group) have not improved the situation - The child shows a genuine interest in other activities - Maintaining activity creates chronic family tensions - The child can clearly express why this activity no longer suits him/her Signs that should alert more generally: - Persistent anxiety - Impact on physical health - Impact on school life - Long-term loss of self-confidence The important thing is to support this transition by: - Valuing the experience acquired - Helping the child learn positive lessons from this experience - Remaining open to exploring new activities that better match their current interests Conclusion: towards fulfilling learning The goal is not to maintain an activity at all costs, but to support the child in their overall development. As Meirieu points out, all learning involves moments of discouragement, "falls and relapses". What matters is to help the child develop their perseverance while maintaining the pleasure of learning. The key lies in balanced support: neither too rigid nor too lax. By listening while keeping the focus on the essential - the child's development - we can transform these moments of doubt into opportunities for growth and learning. Because beyond the activity itself, it is the construction of a positive relationship with effort and learning that is at stake. 🚀 Find this article and much more in the Octave app : shared calendar, collaborative task list, meal planner, centralization of family information and autonomy monitoring - your number 1 ally for an organized family life! 📱✨

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“I want to quit!”: Understanding and supporting your child when they are discouraged

08 March, 2025

Beyond Appearances: Decoding the Message