Responsibilities and privileges: a winning duo towards autonomy

Growing up, if it simply means new responsibilities, can seem unappealing to our children. Part of the art of developing children's autonomy lies in our ability to balance each new responsibility with appropriate privileges, thus creating a natural motivation for greater autonomy. The logic behind permissions How many times have we said no to a child who asked for another permission, simply because we didn't think he was responsible or mature enough? Let's take a different approach: clearly explain to the child what behaviors or accomplishments would allow us to grant him this privilege. Here are some concrete examples to establish this link between responsibilities and privileges: "You can have your own phone when you manage your screen time well on the tablet" "You can have a sleepover when you clean your room regularly." "You can borrow my sports equipment when you take care of your own equipment" "You will have more video game time when you respect the current limits" "You can invite friends over when you demonstrate your sense of responsibility at home." “You can use the kitchen alone when you clean up after your snacks or breakfast.” "You'll be able to manage your pocket money when you stop losing your personal belongings." "You will have more freedom on weekends when you respect bedtimes." By clearly explaining these expectations, we give our children concrete goals to achieve and positive motivation to develop their sense of responsibility. Examples that speak for themselves A child's perspective I remember little Simone who, one evening while she was in bed, called out to me as I was passing by her door with a bowl of popcorn to go watch a movie in bed: "It's not fair, you can go to bed late and eat popcorn while we have to go to bed." This remark gave me the perfect opportunity to explain that by only considering freedoms, it could indeed seem unfair, but that by adding to the equation all the responsibilities that came with it, the balance was restored. A successful negotiation My son Louis’ story is a perfect illustration of how to link responsibilities and privileges. Reluctant to move up to Level 6, which included cleaning the toilet bowl, the situation unblocked when I explained to him that someone who could overcome their dislikes to contribute to the cleanliness of the house was mature enough to handle pocket money. Not as a direct reward for the task, but as recognition of his growing maturity. The virtues of this approach This way of associating responsibilities and privileges has several advantages: It makes developing autonomy more attractive It allows children to understand the logic behind our decisions It creates intrinsic motivation towards more responsibilities It prepares for the reality of adult life where freedoms and responsibilities go hand in hand. A bank of ideas for privileges Mobility and independence Move alone within a defined perimeter Go shopping at the convenience store Take public transport Go out by bike in the neighborhood Walk to school alone Time management Later bedtime Extended screen time Managing your homework schedule Choosing your reading times Organize your free time Social and communication Have a cell phone Access to social networks with supervision Organize outings with friends Invite friends to sleep over Attending parties without parents present Choosing your extracurricular activities Manage your own social calendar Financial responsibilities Receive pocket money Have a youth bank account Manage a budget for certain purchases (clothes, outings) Supervised online shopping Saving for a personal project Use of equipment and tools Using the microwave Cooking on the stove Using DIY tools Using certain electronic devices Have access to more sophisticated sports equipment Daily autonomy Choosing your clothes Deciding on your lunch menu Organize your room your way Managing your homework periods Choosing your hairstyle or clothing style Putting into practice To effectively integrate this system of privileges and responsibilities: If possible, clearly establish the link Explain why certain responsibilities lead to certain privileges Be concrete in your examples Try to stay consistent in your approach Proceed gradually Start with simple privileges Gradually increase the scope of freedoms Adjust according to demonstrated maturity Communicate openly Discuss mutual expectations Explain your decisions Listen to your child's suggestions The direct connection between responsibility and privilege is a great guide, but it shouldn’t be a hard and fast rule. Sometimes, it’s the sum total of your child’s responsible behaviors that demonstrates their growing maturity. Seeing them tidy their room, pack their school bag, or do their homework without a reminder can be enough to signal that they’re ready for new privileges, even if they’re not directly related to those actions. This general autonomy demonstrates their ability to follow rules and make thoughtful decisions, allowing you to trust them in other areas. Use our downloadable "Privileges by Level" tool to plan and track the progress of your child's permissions. A visual tool that facilitates discussions and motivates the whole family! Conclusion Balancing responsibilities and privileges is not just a parenting strategy, it is a preparation for adult life. By naturally combining these two aspects, we help our children understand that autonomy is not just about freedoms, but also about the ability to assume responsibilities. This approach creates an intrinsic motivation towards greater autonomy, while developing their judgment and self-confidence. 🚀 Find this article and much more in the Octave app : shared calendar, collaborative task list, meal planner, centralization of family information and autonomy monitoring - your number 1 ally for an organized family life! 📱✨

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Responsibilities and privileges: a winning duo towards autonomy

15 March, 2025

The logic behind permissions